Holidays in Grief – How to Find Support and Care on Difficult Days
Holidays in Grief – How to Find Support and Care on Difficult Days
For many, holidays are a time of joy, togetherness, and tradition. But when you’ve lost someone dear, those same days can feel heavy and hollow. The lights, songs, and gatherings can remind you of what’s missing, stirring feelings of sadness, longing, and loneliness. Yet even in grief, holidays can also become a time to remember, to find support, and to create new ways of being together. Here are some thoughts on how to find care and calm during days that can be especially hard.
When the holiday brings back the ache
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. It can feel stronger on certain days when memories stand out more clearly. Christmas, birthdays, Matariki, Easter, or anniversaries can bring both warmth and pain. It’s completely natural for emotions to intensify – and it’s important to give them space.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel, without judgment. Some days you might want to join in the celebrations; other days you may need quiet. Both are okay. Grief is deeply personal, and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.
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Creating new traditions with care
When someone is missing, old traditions can feel too painful to repeat. Instead of trying to do everything as before, you might consider creating new rituals that fit where you are now.
- Light a candle for the person you miss and let it burn during a meal or throughout the day.
- Share memories – tell stories, look through photos, or write a letter to your loved one.
- Start a new tradition – take a walk at sunrise, plant a native tree, or cook a dish that reminds you of them.
- Do something kind for others – some find comfort in helping, such as visiting someone who’s alone or supporting a local charity.
Small gestures can bring meaning to the holiday and create a sense of connection – both to the person who has passed and to the life that continues.
Talk openly with those close to you
Many people who are grieving find that others don’t quite know what to say or do. This can lead to silence, even when the need to talk about the person who has died is strong. Try to be open about how you’re feeling and what you need.
Let your friends and whānau know whether you’d like to talk about your loved one or prefer a quiet day. It helps others support you in the way that feels right. And it can be a relief for you to express your needs clearly.
Finding support in community
You don’t have to carry grief alone. Many find it helpful to share thoughts and feelings with others who have been through something similar. Across Aotearoa, there are grief support groups, remembrance events, and online communities where you can meet others who understand.
Churches, marae, and community organisations often hold special services or gatherings during the holidays for those who are missing someone. These can be gentle, comforting ways to mark the day – together with others who know what it’s like.
Give yourself permission to choose what feels right
It can be tempting to push yourself to take part in everything as usual, but it’s important to listen to your own needs. You might want to skip large gatherings or leave early. You might need time alone.
Make a plan for the holiday, but keep it flexible. If you suddenly feel like doing something different, that’s perfectly fine. Grief changes from day to day, and part of healing is learning to follow your own rhythm.
Remember that sorrow and joy can coexist
Even when a holiday is marked by loss, moments of joy, laughter, and warmth can still appear. That doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person you’ve lost – it shows that love continues to live within you. Smiling in the midst of grief is a sign that you’re slowly finding a new balance.
Allow yourself to welcome those good moments when they come. They’re not a betrayal of your loss, but a part of your healing.
A time to remember – and to keep living
Holidays in grief aren’t about forgetting, but about finding ways to live with the absence. By creating small rituals, speaking openly, and seeking support, you can find a sense of peace amid the pain. Grief doesn’t disappear, but it can become easier to carry when you give it space and share it with others.
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